Tyson Wray

2017, hey. We’ve witnessed a year of a Donald Trump presidency, Australia finally voted to legalise same-sex marriage, and we all learnt that we can’t spend any time on letting a thousand blossoms bloom. I haven’t fact-checked yet, but I think that’s all that happened. Anyway! 2018? It’s mere weeks away – and what does it have in store for the postcode of 3000 and beyond? We picked up a second-hand crystal ball from Savers to find out. 1. Channel 7 will reprise Rex Hunt's Fishing Adventure to teach Melburnians how to lure an oBike away from its natural habitat – the Yarra. 2. Melbourne will get a… *spins The Wheel of Vacuous Venue Ideas* ...Broad City-themed bar! Patrons love the ‘Yass Queen!’ cocktails while remaining completely oblivious to the title’s cultural appropriation. Bottoms up gurlz! 3. After the two-year consecutive shock wins by the Western Bulldogs and Richmond Tigers, the 2018 AFL season will see another unlikely fairytale as the Premiership Cup is somehow taken home by the Socceroos. 4. After a few hiccups at their launch event in the Bahamas, Fyre Festival will attempt to relocate to a “lavish, beach-side utopia a stones-throw away from the Melbourne CBD,” which turns out to be Werribee’s water treatment plant. Artists cancel, amenities are non-existent and punters are furious. Yet, it’s still declared to be a better-run festival than Earthcore. 5. With the renovations to Flinders Street Station complete, the emos who hang out on the steps will level-up to

What makes a great train line? Is it the destinations it can take you to, the sights and sounds of the suburbs you pass through, or the warm and effervescent energy of your fellow commuters? Or, maybe, you just treat a train ride as successful if you manage to avoid getting shanked. We’ve spent some time travelling deep into zone two on each and every line to stack ‘em up and offer the definitive rankings of Melbourne’s train lines. The unrivalled best Sandringham lineStations include: South Yarra, Windsor, North Brighton, SandringhamLet’s be honest: this isn’t even a contest. The Sandringham line is light years ahead of any other in Melbourne. For one, it’s basically the only line where you don’t feel the need to clutch your possessions to you a little tighter when you get off at the last stop. It drops you a mere two-minute walk from Melbourne’s best suburb (Elwood, I won’t hear anything to the contrary), offers picturesque beach views along the journey and it’s also home to one of Melbourne’s most cherished institutions: Revolver The Astor. Sure, it can be filled with trust fund high school kids from Briiiiiiighton who probably fill their time with rowing or being #fashionbloggers, but you can’t win ‘em all. RATING: 9/10 The a bit of alright Werribee/Williamstown lineStations include: North Melbourne, Footscray, Yarraville, Williamstown BeachWhen I broke up with my last girlfriend I had an epiphany when I was on the Williamstown line – that being that I had ridden it every

David Bowie. Carrie Fisher. Brexit. Trump. 2016 has been savage. And as for Melbourne? Well, it’s been a pretty damn Melbourne year. But what does 2017 hold? In no particular order, here are some totally serious predictions about what we envisage for our great city in the next 12 months. 1. Following the Blue Algae Latte phenomenon, baristas begin serving coffee with water straight from the Yarra. It sells like wildfire. 2. To the dismay of Melbourne tennis fans, Peter Dutton gets the Australian Open shut down after mistaking the gathering crowd for a protest in support of refugees. 3. Instead of monetary fines, Public Transport Victoria issues a far more horrific outcome if you are caught fare evading: forcing you to become a ticket inspector for a day. 4. The entire tourism board of Melbourne takes an extended tropical beach holiday, their jobs made far easier by Sydney’s regrettably locked-out culture and nightlife. 5. An apartment building is demolished in favour of building a live music venue in its place. 6. The owners of the George Costanza bar invite Jerry Seinfeld to visit while in town for his Australian stand-up tour in August. 7. Jerry Seinfeld gets his lawyers to shut it down for copyright infringement with a cease and desist. 8. The Shanghai Dumpling House is shut down temporarily after one waiter loses his mind after hearing ‘Happy Birthday’ for the one billionth time. 9. In a shock to even the most hardened Melburnian, something of actual cultural value is ann